chapter 8 sketches. aka THE TOUCHY CHAPTER
EW rounded up stars from some binge-watching favorites—from Orange is the New Black to Parks and Recreation—to remind you that binging can have harmful effects on everything from your self-esteem to your social life.
Read more here.
our lovely female kestrel laying on the ground
so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
what an amazing story
Banana Pancake for gluten-free tummies and/or refined sugar intolerants
Blueberries (or other berries)
Other fresh fruit, for example peach (as shown)
1tbsp Greek yogurt
Mash the banana in a bowl until slippery. Add the eggs and whisk with a fork until the banana is well combined and the eggs mixed.
Wash the fruit and heat a pancake or frying pan, using a little coconut oil as grease (you can use another vegetable oil or butter if you don’t have coconut oil, but coconut oil is an especially good choice both flavor-wise and nutritionally).
When the pan is hot, pour in the mixture to make one large pancake. Turn the heat to between medium and low, depending on how thick the pancake is—if it’s thin it can take a lower heat. You want to watch it carefully so it doesn’t burn or get tough, so try to cook it just to golden brown and so there’s no raw egg.
While the bottom side cooks, sprinkle cinnamon liberally over the top side and add berries if you like (I like adding them now because then they cook a little and seep syrup into the pancake).
When the bottom looks firm, flip the pancake and let it finish cooking through.
You can serve the pancake with yogurt in the middle and peach on the side as shown, or add honey or other fruit.
This recipe is not only really tasty, it boasts excellent nutrition, with about 21g of protein if you use 3 eggs, and a low glycemic load (which means it won’t cause a massive spike then crash in blood sugar, but will release energy slowly and keep you full for longer). It’s easy to vary the recipe by adding different spices, using different fruit as a topping, and experimenting with other low-GI sources of sweetness like agave syrup or honey.
“It’s not hard to be in love with Charlotte Sullivan. She’s amazing and I don’t have to use substitutions. She’s adorable. She plays this sexy, edgy, badass chick on TV, and then in person, she’s this sweet, lovely, geeky, adorable woman. We have a lot of fun together. I like kissing her.”
— Aliyah O’Brien (X)